| It's been a very long time ... |
[27 May 2009|07:07pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
I guess in the wake of myspace and facebook (alongside life in general), I got a little distracted from this thing ... In fact, I don't know if or when I will post again on here. However, seeing as how something somewhat traumatic happened to me this week that I don't want to get into detail with in a blog post on myspace, I decided I'd give my long awaited live journal a go ...
I put my cat, Toby, to sleep last night. I got him when I was 15; he was the answer to my prayers when I put my first cat, Sheba, to sleep. I cannot remember a day in my life without a cat. From the age of 3, Sheba slept in my bed with me; she would ward off the monsters in my closet and made me secure as I leaned not to be afraid of the dark. The week before my 15th birthday, my family found out she was in renal failure and we put her to sleep. My world as I knew it had ended ... and then came my Toby. My Toby was my angel from the moment he was placed in my arms. I'll never forget my father telling me "Now, Erica, we are going to see a lot of kittens and you cannot fall in love with the first one you see .."; but we all fell in love. As I sat in the chair at the pet store, the foster lady placed Toby in my arms, and he slept there for two hours. Everytime he would change positions, he would open his beautiful bright green eyes and look at me. Ever so gently he would nuzzle my face, and then he would settle back down and fall asleep in my lap. His purr was pure love. His coat was long, thick, shiny black fur with striking white whiskers. He had my heart the moment I saw him ... he had my whole family's heart.
After 12 1/2 years, we laid him to rest after discovering he had a tumor in his stomach the size of a small orange. I guess I am writing this because I just can't believe he is gone ... he was such an amazing creature ... I miss him terribly ... I will always miss him terribly ... Why do all the beautiful parts of life have to end? It just makes me wonder what the point is in going through the daily motions ...
I wish I had my Toby here to hold as I cry ... he was so good at coming to me when I cried ... He was so in tune with human emotion. Some people might not get it, but he was perfection ...
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| Yet another let down ... |
[25 Dec 2007|09:03am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
Well, I think I officially hate Christmas. I am sitting here crying. I have spent the past god knows how many Christmas's either working or alone, and I am sick and tired of being the only one out of everyone I know, who wakes up on Christmas morning with no presents for anybody because I am broke, with my mom giving me a present like a pair of earings that she searched high and low for for herself, and because I like them she gives them to me which makes me feel guilty, and then the only thing I really wanted this morning was Christmas breakfast, and my dad decides to cook himself breakfast because my mom just popped a pill and can't eat for an hour. I hate life right now more than I can express, and all I want is to either go back in time to when I was a kid when there was one day a year I felt true happiness, or fast forward to my death, because apparently, the holiday spirit means nothing in my world ....
You know, I just realized that on top of a crappy Christmas, I had a horrible birthday ... I think the Jehovah's have something. If you don't celebrate the holidays, you won't be let down ...
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| Well ... it's just been forever! |
[25 Nov 2007|02:59am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
] |
So, I haven't posted on this thing in a long ass time because: a) I usually use myspace, but since I'm at work at 3 am and myspace is blocked, I can occupy my time by posting on a site that the powers that be have yet to catch onto ... ha ha ha suckers! b) I've been ver ytied up with my education this year ... I was in Ohio going through hell last time I posted here, and now in a months time I will be going back there to go through the last of my hell that this program has to offer me; needless to say, 2007 has been a very stressful year. c) I actually forgot about livejournal because of everything going on ... so to all that might still have me on their friends page and have been looking for my insights on life (ha, I know you've all been waiting with baited breath and antisipation), I am truly sorry to have left you hanging. Do I think you all will comment? Probably not, but until the printer goes off for a patient in the ER or 4 am rolls around for routine portables, I pretty much got nothing better to do.
So, lets start with the always juicy love life. Anthony and I are still "together" ... I guess if "together" means my parents still don't know, he still hasn't gone back to school, and I'm still in denial of my feelings of wanting to end things. This year has been very eye opening for me. On top of feeling jaded by work and clinicals ... I leave that for later if I get to it ... I've realized that I have been doing nothing but going to school and trying to further myself post highschool for over 8 years now. So, with that being said, at my now age of 26, I am ready for more. I am ready to meet that man who I can see myself saying "I do" to and bearing (is that the spelling I'm looking for?) his children. Many of my friends are at a point where they are in a serious relationship, engaged, and/or pregnant. I don't want to make it seem like its a trend that I want to follow, but I realize that I've never in my true adult state have seen myself in a relationship where I thought it would go anywhere ... even have a prayer of going anywhere. So once I am done with my clinicals and I am settled in my new job ... which I am SO STOKED ABOUT! ... I will evaluate the relationship I am in and see if it's truly worth it ...
As I have eluded to before, 2007 has not been my year in terms of "happiness". I find that many of my friends are encountering these milestones in their lives that have made this year such a memorable one for them; I on another hand will never look back on 2007 with fond memories. I have in my daily life been surrounded by people who I find to be the most dispicable individuals on the planet ... and if you know me and know the bastards I have had in my life through the years, that does not say much for present company AT ALL. Hubris and sanctimony are an understatement for the way these people carry themselves (wow, Erica, good venacular!). Ask me when my last day of clinicals are? Couldn't tell ya. For all I know, it could be this week. Basically, my life was threatened by my idiot clinical instructor that I would be let out early to study and prepare if I didn't tell anyone; now the chicken shit is scared of getting in trouble for that action ... so I have no idea if I'm done before Christmas or not. All I know is the sooner the better. I can't even begin to tell you all the shit I've put up with because I would be typing past my shift tonight! Good news, no matter when, it is almost over ...
ON A BETTER NOTE ... the job I have lined up is going to be amazing. It is a brand new, state of the art outpatient center whose only downfall is its location ... North Miami Lakes 45 minutes south of me. Better brush up on my spanish speaking skills! HA! I will be doing Nuclear Medicine, PET/CT, Cat-Scan, and cross training in Mammography and MRI ... which if that really does happen, I will be studying to sit for my boards in those modalities as well ... making me Erica RT(R) (CT) (N) (M) (MR) CNMT ... with a B.S. to follow ... SUPERTECH! My ultimate goal is to make myself so marketable that some outpatient center outside of the state of Florida will be begging to pay me 6 figures ... but if I start right now at the rate that my friend who has the same certifications as I started, I will be doing pretty well ... about 27, 000 less than 6 figures ... you do the math ...
On that note, I'm gonna go chill for a bit and count down the next 3 and half hours till I leave. Anyone up for breakfast this morning? HA!
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| A vision I've realized |
[07 Apr 2007|06:34pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
There's a feeling you get when your body is lacking oxygen. As a child, I saw this vision and now remember it vividly (its only taken me 16 years). When your brain is lacking oxygen, you fall back. But when your body lands, your mind keeps falling. You keep falling. It's like a dark tunnel with only a hint of light. Like a rainbow of deep irridescant colors that glisten off wet bricks. And you feel the cool air hitting you as you are falling through the air. And then you wake up. It's an interesting sensation. Now I wonder if that is what death maybe like . . . falling into oblivion?
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| WOO-HOO!!!!! |
[03 Apr 2007|01:07pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
I FINALLY GOT MY PERIOD!! And to think, I was going to go to the drug store today and blow $30 bucks on a pregnancy test! HA!
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| God works in mysterious ways . . . |
[01 Apr 2007|10:57pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
Sometimes, I just don't understand life. The girl I live with who I absolutely cannot stand because she is a loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate bitch came home with a brand new Hummer that mommy and daddy bought her over the weekend. I guess it pays to be spoiled. Why is it that people who work hard and lead good lives have it so rough? Take my parents for example. My father is the hardest working man I've ever known. His intellect and pride have always placed him far beyond others in my life. My mother is one of the most compasionate women I've ever known. Her love for my brother and I jumps leaps and bounds. My parents deserve so much more in life than what was dealt to them. It sickens me to see people like my roomate who have missed more school than they've attended come back with brand new cars. I know I've lived a priveledged life compared to others I've met, but I have always busted my ass to get the things in life that I have acquired. I guess its moments like these in life where I wonder if Karma really exists. Maybe it exists to hold people down. I know the love I have had for people in my life doesn't warrant the hurt that I feel sometimes when I look at how my cards have been dealt. I'm so depressed right now that I find it hard to function. I don't think I've felt this way in a really long time. I mean since high school. I have these insecurities that have just surfaced in me, and my self esteem right now is at a point that I feel like scum. I constantly place myself in unrealistic situations that I know will eventually blow up in my face. Take Anthony for example. He's been calling me non stop this weekend. He has finally been showing me signs that I really mean something to him. For years it was all I ever wanted; for him to admit to me that I mean as much to him as he had meant to me. And now that I know, I feel like a horrible human being because as much as I've ever wanted to feel truly loved by someone, I know that he and I would never work out. Love isn't everything, and all I want is for him to be happy; I don't think I could make him happy. I can't even make myself happy. This feeling of guilt that I have for feeling anything for him at all, especially when I know how my parents feel about him. I love my parents so much. I would do anything for them. So why can't I respect my mother's wishes and not associate with him? I guess its because I see this side of him that no one else sees. A side of him that he only shows me; a side of him that I don't even think he showed his ex-girlfriends. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm slowly going crazy. I need something good to happen to me right now. I know it sounds crazy, but I really want to get my cards read. I did it once in 2004, and it was one of the most phenomenal experiences of my life. I don't even know why I write on here anymore at all because nobody ever reads it. I guess that's why I chose to write this here, because I didn't want my roomates reading it on myspace. I need to try and dry my eyes and sleep. I'm forced to play with body parts at the cadaver lab tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it. Goodnight.
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| Blah blah blah blah blah |
[04 Feb 2007|03:38pm] |
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mood |
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 super fucking excited-NOT |
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The fucking roomies are coming back today . . . yay. In case you cannot distinguish the sarcasm in the previous statement, know that I am not the type of person who should live with people. If you want me to think you are an idiot, then you should live with me. And on that note, pray they all continue to leave for the weekends as long as I am forced to live up here . . . amen
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| Okay, I'll admit. Just not to many people. |
[12 Jan 2007|09:33pm] |
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I'm lonely right now. I don't miss Anthony per say, but I do miss feeling like someone cares for me. And none of that, "Oh I care about you Erica" cause you all know what I'm talking about. I think its the whole being alone for the next 4 days in a completely different state and pms combined. I mean, I didn't come up here for partying, you know? Kinda makes me feel like I should be studying or something. I miss feeling sexy . . .
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| Reasons why I am agitated at the moment . . . |
[26 Dec 2006|02:33am] |
a) This computer is SLOW AS SHIT
b) This is night number 3 of 5 that I am working, with a total of 54 hours this week that I DON'T WANT.
c) Half the people I work with are idiots
d) I'm tired
e) I'm sick of spending my Christmases at work and I want to be done with Nuc Med School so I can work at an outpatient center with holidays OFF
f) I still have one year until I'm done with Nuc Med School
g) Florida Sucks
h) I'm sick of feeling like I owe time to people when I don't have it (no offense)
i) I have a 20 hour drive ahead of me to cow country and freezing weather
j) I'm going to have to live with 3 other girls and 99% chance of only one bathroom
k) I have to leave my cats behind . . . :(
l) I feel unhealthy
m) I got the flu twice in two months and I was the first one at my job to get a flu shot
n) Nobody seems to understand that I'm doing a favor by working 5 days straight
o) Certain people are selfish assholes
p) I've actually gotten to the letter p and I'm still fucking agitated
q) Patients complaints annoy me
r) I have no privacy
s) X-mas is retarded when you have to work
t) This is the 3rd Christmas I've spent alone
u) People asking how my holiday was when they know very well that I was stuck working in the Jewish population of Boca Raton
v) Doctors who are assholes
w) Packing
x) Running errands
y) My new x-tra long twin bed for 4 months
z) Getting my period
I'd say that about covers it, but I'd be lying.
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| Did you ever . . . |
[17 Oct 2006|02:51am] |
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mood |
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upset |
] |
. . . go to visit your loved one's grave, only to find that where his grave lied now had someone else's name on the tomb? I wouldn't recommend it.
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| The sound of silence . . . |
[15 Oct 2006|01:18am] |
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mood |
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 WTF?! |
] |
So, I'm awake at 1:00am (the usual for me), and of course this is the time where they show the "commercials for idiots". Anyhow, one of the most obnoxious developments in modern day times would have to be the ringtone commercials. Don't pretend you don't know what they are. Ever since Ms. Cleo went off the air, they had to find a way to suck in the morons of society through commercial soliciting. Anyhow, I think the most mind boggling of all ringtone commercials is not the chicken dancing or the frog . . . not the celebrity telling "you personally" to "pick up the phone, someone's calling you!" . . . no no, none of these. The most MIND BOGGLING of all cellular ringtone money traps is this . . .
THE SILENT RINGTONE . . .
Can somebody explain the logic in this for me? Okay, so you don't want people to hear you getting a phone call . . . how bout putting your phone on SILENT, or to be that cool guy who wants to be "inconspicuous", put it on vibrate. Here's the thing . . . it's not like you are the only person in the world who can hear this "silent ringtone", so obviously it's not all that silent. So if you can hear it, since not everyone can, does that make you a freak? Or, are you a freak of nature if you CAN'T hear it. And what about the poor canines in the world who will now go ape shit everytime your "silent" ringer goes off? I think the only step society can take after this is Nuclear bombs going off everywhere . . .
Fucking MORONS!
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| HA HA! |
[14 Oct 2006|08:26am] |
THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES! I'M ONE OF A KIND!
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[14 Oct 2006|08:12am] |
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mood |
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Here |
] |
I really like this new layout . . . I wish I could do the same for my myspace . . .
It's my mom's birthday today. I snuck out of the house at 6:00 am and drove to wal-mart, where I purchased two dozen english roses and a birthday card, set it up in a vase in her bathroom, and listened to her call me a brat for surprising her . . . lol. She said it was "very thoughtful", although I think for some reason she just feels the need to feel guilty that I would want to make her smile on her birthday . . . its the jew in her . . .
SPEAKING OF BIRTHDAYS! Guess who turns a quarter of a century old in about two and a half weeks? That's right! I do! But it's okay, because I can tease Megan for two days about being an old bitch. And then when it's her turn to tease me, I can laugh it off cause my car insurance rates will be low and I won't care what she says.
You know what makes her really old? The fact that she's going to be an aunt in two days! HA! YOU'RE OLD!
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| Cha-cha-cha-change . . . |
[13 Oct 2006|04:35am] |
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mood |
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 Time to make the Doughnuts! |
] |
I changed my LJ layout . . . I like it a lot. I kinda think I want to change my myspace one, too.
On a more somber note, my grandmother passed away Wednesday night. The funeral is Monday. That should be interesting . . .
I still speak to Anthony, but we're not "together" in the sense that I think of him all the time and we speak everyday . . . its more like casual dating at this point, recognizing that we're definitely more than friends but not quite commited to eachother . . . same shit different year; different way of viewing it . . .
And that about does it! Check out my new layout! Tell me what you think . . .
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| It's been quite a while . . . |
[28 Sep 2006|11:44pm] |
So, I started this thing 4 years ago, but I never really kept up with it like I intended to. Lots of stuff has happened. Lots of changes. I think I'm a very different person now then when I started this thing . . . but I think that happens when you become a young adult; you change.
I got into Nuc Med school! Yay. I start January 8th. I get to move to Ohio for 5 months . . . (not the most exciting area in the country, but you make sacrifices). There I will be attending a small private university, and living in a house, with 3 other girls and one bathroom . . . (again, sacrifices). However, this part of "going away to college" that I never wanted to do is not really "going away". I mean, I'll be 25 years old, and I assume all those living in the house with me (since they are owned specifically by the Nuclear Medicine Institute) will be of the same age, give or take a few years. In order to get into the school, you have to be x-ray certified or have a bachelors . . . so its not like I'll be living with 18 year olds who just graduated high school. Anyhow, come May, I move back home and do about 8 months of clinical at the hospital I graduated from and currently work for. Then I fly back to Ohio for the first week of January of 2008 and take my exams. Its so cool, because even though I didn't get into Hopkins Nuc Med, I thought I wouldn't go back to school untill August of '07. So since I get to start 8 months earlier, it was like I was only post-poned for 5 months (if I had gotten into Hopkins, I would have started in July). You can try to hold me down, but ya can't hold me back! LOL. I've decided when I'm done with school, I'm going to try and live at home and work in Nuc Med for about a year or so. I'd ideally like to pay off all of my debt before I decide to move out of Florida again, and I think a year of Nuc Med pay will do that for me (since I'll be making some boo-koo bucks!).
Other than that, I am in a "relationship". It's been about 2 months, and I don't think its going to work out. Pretty much everyone knows the situation. It's not that I don't want it to work out, it's more so that things he told me he would do aren't happening, and my standards are too high for me to sacrifice. Not in superficial way . . . just, you know. I want to be with someone who has a career, goals, ambition, possibility of marraige . . . someone I can tell my parents about . . . lol. Anyhow, I'm not unhappy and I'm not ecstatic, so its pretty much a relationship of convenience right now.
I got a 30GB ipod and I'm trying to upload music right now, so I'll try not to forget about you LJ~PEACE!
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| SO MUCH TO DO, SUCH LITTLE TIME . . . |
[06 May 2006|10:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 Busy and not happy about it |
] |
Ok, so I just finished doing one of four things I have to do for school by Thursday. I've decided to make a list on here of shit I have to do before Florida. Why? Well A) So I have something to refer to and B) So you all can truly understand why I'm so busy and not bug me about being a bad friend if I forget any important dates during this time . . .
1) Finish my integration project (my last assignment!!) for my computer class, go to school to take the last test for the aforementioned class, write and present a persuasive speech for my, what else, speech class
2) Get transcripts from Notre Dame and transcript requests from ccbc so I can mail for them from Florida
3) Wait for the hitch my dad ordered to arrive on Wednesday and then find a mechanic IMMEDIATELY to have them install it . . .
4) Once the hitch is on, go IMMEDIATELY to U-HAUL so I can reserve my trailer for my car
5) Work on the lease papers for the girl who's taking my apartment so I can get my money
6) FINISH PACKING
7) Going out May 13th for my "going away" party, as well as having set dates to hang out with good friends who are unable to come out that Saturday
8) Donate some stuff to goodwill that I'm not bringing with me
9) Get some friends that I'm selling my table and chairs to . . . to come here and get them (I have to take them apart and what not) . . .
10) I pick up my parents after my last class (6:30-9:30 pm) from the airport, and the following day get the U-HAUL and pack it up (UGH!)
11) Decide whether or not I'm going to drug Rocky on the car ride
12) Clean my fish bowl and give my little chicken of the sea to my friend ::sniff sniff:: . . . I'll miss him . . .
13) Get my mail forwarded
14) Cancel my cable, gas and electric
15) Finish working my last two 12 hour shifts (Monday and Tuesday) . . . I can't W-A-I-T!
16) I feel like I'm leaving something out . . .
17) That's cause I did! My Car loan, 403B, Health Insurance
So! I'm a pretty busy little girl these next couple of weeks, and let's not even begin what happens when I get back to Florida! Tutor, Algebra at BCC, Job, Garage sale, furniture shopping, painting, Nuc Med school . . .
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok-just had to do that . . . I'll keep ya'll posted!!
*Strike throughs mean accomplished!
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[16 Apr 2006|05:32pm] |
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mood |
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BORED OUT OF MY SKULL! |
] |
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| Life in a nutshell . . . |
[15 Apr 2006|07:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 O' HAPPY DAY . . . |
] |
I am sitting at work and I'm trying to go for a record of not doing any patients for 6 hours. It's like over a hundred bucks for sitting on my ass . . . hopefully tomorrow will be like this. I put in my notice April 25th. Last day of work May 9th. I cannot WAIT! Speaking with my parents this morning, it looks like I'll be getting a 2006 Toyota Prius when I move home . . . SW-EET! I'm so stoked about that. No rent, just paying car insurance, cell phone, and car payments . . . of only $150 a month might I add . . . AND I'm considering taking a travel assignment in the fall after taking a college algebra course over the summer, which means I could be making BANK! Ultimately, this is what I'd like to happen. After moving home, I would take (and PASS) the college algebra class. Then, I would apply to BCC's Nuclear Medicine program for 2007. Then, I'd take a travel assignment. I'd come home at the end of winter/beginning of spring and apply to a couple other programs for Nuc Med. Then, maybe another travel assignment. At that point, I would get an acceptance letter from any one of these programs, and then go to school for a year and be Nuclear Medicine Technologist by the end of 2008. Then, I would be making REAL BANK! I would replace the idea of traveling if I could land an overnight position or a CT position (I have the certification and would LOVE to use it one of these days . . . fucking Hopkins . . .). So that's my Two and a Half year plan. My immediate goal is to fuck over my department . . . I can't wait to see the look on my supervisors face when I say "Here's my official two weeks notice, thanks for letting me get Hopkins on my resume . . . " HA!
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| I'm so tired |
[18 Mar 2006|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
I'm so tired from getting over being sick, to school, to work, to preparing to move back home . . . I just hope I get a good night's sleep cause I didn't sleep well last night (I was really anxious, I woke up every hour on the hour, even after taking Nyquil). I've realized that as patient as I can be with certain things, I'm incredibly inpatient with my future. I'm the kind of person that if I decide to do something, I want it done. I want to be there. And I hate having to wait for it, especially if in the process of waiting I'm killing myself to get there. Sometimes, I feel like I live more for my future than my present. I hate that feeling, but its the only thing that keeps me going. Its like the day I have nothing to look forward to is the day where I go into a mass depression. I work really hard to avoid that. But even when I'm living for the future, its like "then what". I'm always thinking ahead of what's ahead, and it's such a source of angst, its almost indescribable. It feels like those moments in life that you look around you and say "i'm truly content" are so far and few between for me. I can't wait to feel that way in life. And I thought it would be so much better when x-ray school was over . . . sometimes, it seems worse. Only sometimes. Very rare. LOL. I take it back. I would never go backwards in life. Just forward to things that made me happy before.
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| So I'm really exhausted . . . |
[04 Mar 2006|09:24pm] |
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Well everyone, I got the official rejection letter from the Nuclear Medicine program at Hopkins. But I'm ok with it because I have other options in the works to make my dream a reality. I'm sorry I never post anymore, but I just wanted to let you all know not to feel bad for me, cause I actually find it kinda funny . . . LOVE YOU ALL! Hope all is well!
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lady_elantra's journal